The Dude

The following is a guide for interpreting the musical terminology utilised by our most esteemed conductor, ahem....let's just call him Leopold................

Strings = violins and violas
Altos = violas (it's easier to say than vee-OH-lahs)
Cellos = convenient scapegoats for anything that goes wrong; members of the low brass family
Basses = don't exist
Trombones = Who needs basses when you have these guys?
Tasty = I don't know how else to describe what I want from these people
The kicker-in notes = pickup into a new, faster tempo
Sparkle = play cleanly and in tune, unlike what you usually do
Woodwinds = to be glared at during soloist's piece on a regular basis
Dirty = play with some feeling, unlike what you usually do
Seconds = not helpings, and not HELPING by keeping their violins in their laps during a two-beat rest
Trumpets = not allowed to play below a fortississimo
Horns = The guys in the back. They think they're so special...I make them ask me questions just to get me to pay any attention to them. I also like to give them a bunch of music that's a real workout every concert, just because. Hee hee heeee!
Intonation = Something very mysterious...I know when it's not right, but I don't know why.......
Elm = Could be rehearsal letter "L", or maybe "M"... with my Kentucky accent, even I'm not sure. 
190 = the metronome marking which separates the great interpretations from the puny
Rushin = Russian; playing very fast or the probability of going very fast because one IS Russian
Lejeerio = leggiero; I'm not sure what it means, I just like saying it
Poe-cheesy-moe = pochissimo = very; alot; a great deal; hugely; over-the-top
Deedlee-dum, deedlee-dum = strings should not tongue the notes
Kak-kak-kak-kak-kak = strings should tongue the notes
Nail it! = there is an accent over that note
Punch it!! = Nail it but even more, even though the dynamic marked is only mezzo-piano
It's tricky!! = Who cares what your parts are like...I had to practice conducting this piece in front of a mirror for hours... DAYS, even!
WITH me = I didn't give a very good preparatory beat, so let's do that again
Anime = animato; much, much faster; not to be confused with a Japanese cartoon
Now, WATCH me = I think I might get it right, this time, so be ready!
Cellos!!#**@%!! = displaced agression due to an inability to fix the real problem
Don't slow down!! = regardless of how slow my baton becomes, you are responsible for the tempo
NO!!!! = I screwed up and I don't know how, so let's do that again
In 4 = where I will conduct in 2, regardless of having told you I would do it in 4
Recapitulation = where nothing will bear any resemblance to the way it happened in the beginning, and it will be faster
Coda = where we suddenly go three times faster and keep speeding up all the way to the end
Phrasing = cutting off the last three beats of a measure prior to a tempo change
Transition = cutting off the soloist's last three beats of a measure in order to glare at the woodwinds
Whack-a-mole = how to conduct the woodwinds when glaring at them doesn't work
Slower = How fast the soloists usually say they want to go
Season program = the louder and faster the better
Costume changes = what I will do if the program isn't loud and fast enough
Buried in the score = what my epitaph will be