Existence

   My Mom has cancer.
No specific kind of cancer, just ambiguous tumors that are scattered in her torso. So far they have not invaded any of her organs, which I am guessing is a good thing, but going through radiation and some chemo-in-a-bottle has not done anything to eliminate them. Mom has decided to just let it run it's course.
   She is 84 and already suffering from chronic back pain due to fractured vertebrae, made worse by a botched attempt at cementing them. I don't blame her for not wanting any more medical miracles.
   Mom is a remarkably strong person, having come from a large family, familiar enough with the cycle of life and death to be able to look it in the face and accept when the cycle is complete. Her own mother had two miscarriages and a stillborn child, and in her later life, suffered a heart attack and died right in front of my mom. Mom's siblings are now all going through life threatening issues...she has lost the youngest two already.
   Religion has been an important part of my parents' lives, and undoubtedly gives them even more emotional support in difficult times. I have never shared their faith, but am glad that they have something to lean on. Despite being as mentally prepared for death as they are, I know it will still come as a blow. When Mom's father passed away from a long battle with cancer, I was the one who took the phone call from my uncle and had to pass the news to mom. I remember her face as I told her, how it transformed from confident to vulnerable in an instant. I wonder about my father's reaction when the time comes.
   Dad has always been a mystery in a way, the silent type. He has a great sense of humor and caring, but never expresses any particular feelings about anything. I don't know how he reacted after getting news of his own father and only brother passing, as I was not present during either occasion. His mother died when he was young, and he has never been close to anyone else in his small family. He and mom are polar opposites, in that respect.
   I worry about Dad's well-being quite alot. While two of my sisters live near enough to check in on him frequently, he is the overly-trusting kind of person who may well be taken advantage of by unscrupulous individuals. He also has a heart condition. He has for more than 30 years, actually, and Mom has always been there to call for a doctor when he needs medical attention. We had always figured that he would go first, after triple bypass, stents, heart valve replacement, angioplasty and the works. He decided, after his bypass that he would not go through another one if it came to that. The depression he went through was worse than the physical pain.       
  It's hard to think of either of my parents living alone...They each take care of the other in their own ways, and there isn't a retirement home in the world to replace that. When Dad recently told me that they had signed up for Meals-on-Wheels, and signed Mom up for hospice care (though she's not anywhere near in need of it yet), all of a sudden they both seemed so fragile.
  I am going to visit them next week, and although there isn't much I can do for them that my sisters haven't already, I will be cooking some meals for their freezer. Aside from wishing I could go way back and undo all of the terrible things I did as a child, all of the embarrassing moments, the teenage stuff, the ignorant mistakes that cost alot to fix, I hope that I've not been too much of a headache for them throughout our life.  And I wish there were a way for me to repay them all of their guidance and patience and kindness.