Performance Anxiety

   There is an opening for a new principal cellist in my favorite orchestra, for which there will be an audition in the spring.
   If we were not a union organization and did things simply by acclamation, all of us would definitely vote for the acting principal (who is officially assistant principal) to get the job. She is a fine cellist and probably the best musician in our midst, period.
   The way things USED to be done in this place, lots and lots of gravitas played a part in who got what positions, regardless of actual qualifications. This method of operation meant that my aforementioned colleague, for twenty-some years endured sitting second fiddle (no pun intended........well okay, maybe it was) to a woman who was given the principal chair entirely as the result of cronyism, and whose sound I can only describe as student-like.
   Now that said crony has finally, blessedly retired, the position is now going to be legitimately auditioned for.
  I wish that my colleague could be given the position which was stolen from her so many years ago, as she truly deserves it. We are, however trying to do things in a more fair and non-biased atmosphere now (supposedly), and so she must work up the required audition repertoire to compete for the spot if she wishes to remain sitting there.
   Should she decide to go ahead and audition, and if she wins the position, that would leave the assistant principal position open. That designation also requires an audition. This is where I come in....
   I'm not terribly ambitious in wanting the accolades for being "up front" in the conductors inner circle, but there is a bit of a pay difference, and that I can certainly use. I am strongly considering auditioning myself, in the hopes of landing the assistant job (assuming my friend is awarded what she is due). Only trouble is, I haven't auditioned for anything in over twenty years and the prospect of getting my fingers in the kind of shape required is daunting. Not impossible, mind you, but scary nonetheless.
   My "resume" will look quite ridiculous compared to the young guns who will undoubtedly go for it, as I do not have any music degrees. I don't know how important the paperwork is to our new conductor, but he seems to be a fair minded enough guy to take a person's more obvious skills into consideration. Question is, how obvious will my playing skills be under pressure?
I've been working on a concerto off and on for several months, but with my luck it won't be on the repertoire list. If there will be sight reading I wish that the Messiah would be included...It's a tough one to schlep through if you don't already know it, and any truly knowledgeable conductor would realize that.
Being both a bassoonist and a baritone, he just might be of the same mind..........
The repertoire list is supposed to be posted by the first of the year, and so I should know soon whether or not to bother giving it a go. I am keeping my fingers crossed!

Passive agressive

Just watched a PBS program on artist Wayne White. I had never heard of him, but I apparently know alot of his work, as he has done animation, set design, puppets and any number of other things for such t.v. shows as Pee Wee's Playhouse, Beakman's World and numerous MTV videos.
He has an acidic sense of humor, and incorporates it into everything he does. I LOVE the guy! He reminds me so much of me........
Well, his attitude does, anyway. I am not quite the success that he is, by any stretch of the imagination.
 Men are more readily accepted for having a sarcastic tongue than women are. In a guy, it's having a "biting wit". In a girl, it's just being obnoxious. Maybe sarcasm could be what's holding me back...
I don't hold out hope that I can truly express myself in the way he does without becoming a complete outcast. I was once a member of the "orchestra committee" of one of my symphonies, and it didn't take long to realize that board members have virtually no sense of humor and run screaming from the room if you try to express anything other than polite insincerity. I didn't do very well in that environment.
The white-collar class mystifies me sometimes....I don't understand the whole "politeness is a fine substitute for respect" bullsh#t. I mean, Joe Businessman would rather hear an obviously false compliment than something truthful, even in the spirit of utmost respect. Dishonesty seems to be the way that the upper crust keeps the peace, so to speak. "Make up something nice to say so we can get on with this meeting and avoid any punches being thrown, because lord knows we all despise one another".
John Boehner proved that point when he refused to continue talking to Barack Obama after "misinterpreted language" hurt his feelings ("I will not speak to you unless you compliment my tie!"). Washington politics is all about stroking egos, and nothing more. How can anyone get anything done when all you worry about is saying the right thing, even if that thing is complete crap?
Anyway, it was good to see someone who publicly mocks the established art world and everything else, and is getting positive recognition for it. Too many people take themselves too seriously in this world.         

The Dude

The following is a guide for interpreting the musical terminology utilised by our most esteemed conductor, ahem....let's just call him Leopold................

Strings = violins and violas
Altos = violas (it's easier to say than vee-OH-lahs)
Cellos = convenient scapegoats for anything that goes wrong; members of the low brass family
Basses = don't exist
Trombones = Who needs basses when you have these guys?
Tasty = I don't know how else to describe what I want from these people
The kicker-in notes = pickup into a new, faster tempo
Sparkle = play cleanly and in tune, unlike what you usually do
Woodwinds = to be glared at during soloist's piece on a regular basis
Dirty = play with some feeling, unlike what you usually do
Seconds = not helpings, and not HELPING by keeping their violins in their laps during a two-beat rest
Trumpets = not allowed to play below a fortississimo
Horns = The guys in the back. They think they're so special...I make them ask me questions just to get me to pay any attention to them. I also like to give them a bunch of music that's a real workout every concert, just because. Hee hee heeee!
Intonation = Something very mysterious...I know when it's not right, but I don't know why.......
Elm = Could be rehearsal letter "L", or maybe "M"... with my Kentucky accent, even I'm not sure. 
190 = the metronome marking which separates the great interpretations from the puny
Rushin = Russian; playing very fast or the probability of going very fast because one IS Russian
Lejeerio = leggiero; I'm not sure what it means, I just like saying it
Poe-cheesy-moe = pochissimo = very; alot; a great deal; hugely; over-the-top
Deedlee-dum, deedlee-dum = strings should not tongue the notes
Kak-kak-kak-kak-kak = strings should tongue the notes
Nail it! = there is an accent over that note
Punch it!! = Nail it but even more, even though the dynamic marked is only mezzo-piano
It's tricky!! = Who cares what your parts are like...I had to practice conducting this piece in front of a mirror for hours... DAYS, even!
WITH me = I didn't give a very good preparatory beat, so let's do that again
Anime = animato; much, much faster; not to be confused with a Japanese cartoon
Now, WATCH me = I think I might get it right, this time, so be ready!
Cellos!!#**@%!! = displaced agression due to an inability to fix the real problem
Don't slow down!! = regardless of how slow my baton becomes, you are responsible for the tempo
NO!!!! = I screwed up and I don't know how, so let's do that again
In 4 = where I will conduct in 2, regardless of having told you I would do it in 4
Recapitulation = where nothing will bear any resemblance to the way it happened in the beginning, and it will be faster
Coda = where we suddenly go three times faster and keep speeding up all the way to the end
Phrasing = cutting off the last three beats of a measure prior to a tempo change
Transition = cutting off the soloist's last three beats of a measure in order to glare at the woodwinds
Whack-a-mole = how to conduct the woodwinds when glaring at them doesn't work
Slower = How fast the soloists usually say they want to go
Season program = the louder and faster the better
Costume changes = what I will do if the program isn't loud and fast enough
Buried in the score = what my epitaph will be