Existence

   My Mom has cancer.
No specific kind of cancer, just ambiguous tumors that are scattered in her torso. So far they have not invaded any of her organs, which I am guessing is a good thing, but going through radiation and some chemo-in-a-bottle has not done anything to eliminate them. Mom has decided to just let it run it's course.
   She is 84 and already suffering from chronic back pain due to fractured vertebrae, made worse by a botched attempt at cementing them. I don't blame her for not wanting any more medical miracles.
   Mom is a remarkably strong person, having come from a large family, familiar enough with the cycle of life and death to be able to look it in the face and accept when the cycle is complete. Her own mother had two miscarriages and a stillborn child, and in her later life, suffered a heart attack and died right in front of my mom. Mom's siblings are now all going through life threatening issues...she has lost the youngest two already.
   Religion has been an important part of my parents' lives, and undoubtedly gives them even more emotional support in difficult times. I have never shared their faith, but am glad that they have something to lean on. Despite being as mentally prepared for death as they are, I know it will still come as a blow. When Mom's father passed away from a long battle with cancer, I was the one who took the phone call from my uncle and had to pass the news to mom. I remember her face as I told her, how it transformed from confident to vulnerable in an instant. I wonder about my father's reaction when the time comes.
   Dad has always been a mystery in a way, the silent type. He has a great sense of humor and caring, but never expresses any particular feelings about anything. I don't know how he reacted after getting news of his own father and only brother passing, as I was not present during either occasion. His mother died when he was young, and he has never been close to anyone else in his small family. He and mom are polar opposites, in that respect.
   I worry about Dad's well-being quite alot. While two of my sisters live near enough to check in on him frequently, he is the overly-trusting kind of person who may well be taken advantage of by unscrupulous individuals. He also has a heart condition. He has for more than 30 years, actually, and Mom has always been there to call for a doctor when he needs medical attention. We had always figured that he would go first, after triple bypass, stents, heart valve replacement, angioplasty and the works. He decided, after his bypass that he would not go through another one if it came to that. The depression he went through was worse than the physical pain.       
  It's hard to think of either of my parents living alone...They each take care of the other in their own ways, and there isn't a retirement home in the world to replace that. When Dad recently told me that they had signed up for Meals-on-Wheels, and signed Mom up for hospice care (though she's not anywhere near in need of it yet), all of a sudden they both seemed so fragile.
  I am going to visit them next week, and although there isn't much I can do for them that my sisters haven't already, I will be cooking some meals for their freezer. Aside from wishing I could go way back and undo all of the terrible things I did as a child, all of the embarrassing moments, the teenage stuff, the ignorant mistakes that cost alot to fix, I hope that I've not been too much of a headache for them throughout our life.  And I wish there were a way for me to repay them all of their guidance and patience and kindness.

Stop the Violins

   I have to apologize if I seem to have been violin-bashing in my most recent posts.......I'm not really, it's just that our beleaguered upper strings have borne the brunt of our conductor's intensive attention lately. AND, the wrath of a very bored principal flautist. Truth is, the violin sections deserve more attention than anyone else, as they play a heckuvalot more notes  (well, except when doing choral works by Beethoven and in The Messiah, where the cello continuo is continuous-their copyists forgot to insert the rests).
   I do stand by my comments regarding crappy bow technique, although it applies to all of us strings, not just the violins. I find it interesting, however that with the horizontal instruments (versus the vertical cello or bass), the tendency to hold the bow up off of the strings is so much more prevalent....I'd think that gravity alone would tire the bow arm enough to settle the hair on the strings but instead, the reverse seems to happen. It's like the bow and the strings are both charged with the same polarity, repelling one another.
   I spend so much time trying to convince my students that the strings aren't going to bite them, and their bows aren't going to fall apart if they leave them on the strings between notes but it is a struggle. Are we all inherently AFRAID of making a smooth, controlled sound? Is hacking away at our instruments really what feels most natural to us? I have had exactly the same problems with my own bow tech, and simply don't understand why the body behaves as it does. Perhaps there is a fundamental flaw in the way beginners are taught to use the bow which carries over into more demanding stylistic work. Maybe it's the brain's attempt to reject the multitasking of two hands simultaneously doing completely different things.  Maybe it would take a neurologist to explain......  

Computer Greek

   Okay, I admit it....I am quite illiterate when it comes to computers. It took me until only four years ago to accept email as a part of my life, and only then because I was being left out of workplace communications from my orchestra.
   I have tried running a website for my jewelry business which was a bust (I don't get how to direct traffic to a website without spending alot of money on listings).
   I am now blogging (instead of jogging, which would be better for my health) to see where this goes, only I have all kinds of problems figuring out how to work all of the bells and whistles on the dashboard. For starters, half the time I can't even get a cursor to show up in the text box when I want to start a new post. Apparently you have to do things in a very specific order, but instructions on how to proceed aren't anywhere handy. Isn't there some kind of tutorial on how to operate this setup? I certainly can't find it.
   My better half is just as in-the-dark as I am, if not more. When he tries to do something online I inevitably am called into the computer room with a "what did I do?" kind of question. Sometimes I can help, other times my reply just annoys him. He's the kind of person who will hit an elevator button repeatedly until the car shows up, as if that helps. On a computer, the system remembers every push of the button, and quickly gets stuck in a virtual traffic jam when you behave so impatiently.
   Both of us used to be tops at figuring out the latest technological wonders, from VCR's to garage door openers (what....you don't know what a VCR is???........ 8-track?). He actually was a computer whiz, back when computers had black-and-white screens. These days the sheer speed with which stuff becomes obsolete rivals the depreciation of your new car's value as you drive it off the sales lot. Including the technology inside the car itself.
   The word "devices" is getting on my nerves, and makes me long for the days when every other t.v. commercial was a salvo in the cola wars rather than something techno. We just can't keep up. We don't WANT to keep up. Both of us have experienced the black hole that is web surfing. The time warp which steals hours of your day sitting in front of that glowing box, scrolling, scrolling, scrolling..........
   The only reason either of us goes near the computer is because everyone else is umbilically tied to it. We can't do business without it. Yep, that's right...It's YOUR fault! If you and the rest of the world weren't so gadget-happy, we could have gone on our paper-trail way, doing things the way we are comfortable doing them. SLOWLY!
   Okay, sorry for that little bout of displaced agression.......It isn't really your fault. It is...... my favorite word....... entropy at work. Technology is advancing faster than we can adapt to it's potential, and eventually the order that defined the beginning of the computer age will deteriorate into utter chaos and implode. 3-D printers will be the downfall of commerce as we know it. When anyone can print anything they want, the whole of manufacturing will come to a screeching halt. Everything except the companies that manufacture 3-D printers. Hundreds of thousands of people could lose their jobs, intensifying the rift between the haves and have-nots into something very scary. Revolution, anyone?   Hoooo, after reading what I just typed I think I need some sleep......  

Perspective

Perspective is an interesting thing.....
I have long known that my own perspective is very different from most other folks, which can either be a blessing or a curse. For me, usually a curse.
I had tried for a long time to create various dog breeds in silver, marketing my work to the dog show crowd. Individual reactions to my pieces were always positive, except with respect to that individual's chosen breed. There was always something not quite right, and I rarely could make the adjustments to the image to satisfy the dog owner. Custom orders of mixed-breeds tended to be even worse. Even when a customer said they were happy with the finished product, I could sense a less-than-thrilled reality. I finally gave up on the niche.
My writing also seems to confuse people. There have been many occasions where I have emailed someone only to have the contents misinterpreted, often in a negative context. I DO proofread my words to consider whether or not they could be in any way inflammatory, but I apparently don't have the "Guide-to-Socially-Correct-Language-checker" in my computer turned on.
Critical thinking skills involve the understanding that our own perspective is not necessarily accurate, and subject to all kinds of misleading influences. Our brains will fill in gaps in information with whatever seems to fit, whether it is truthful or not. As magical as they are, our brains do lie to us on a regular basis. This is responsible for people believing stuff simply because they have a "gut feeling"...... probably just heartburn.
A few years ago, I was playing for a recording session along with one other cellist. She is the one local musician whose skills I trust implicitly, and alot of other musicians have told us that we sound quite similar (which I take as a great compliment). After having recorded some, the sound engineer played back what we had done. I expected it to be fine, as it sounded to me like we had matched each other well during the take. I couldn't have been more surprised, as I could clearly hear two differing pitches. The rest of the crew seemed happy with the take, so maybe I was being too nitpicky. It has, however made me much more conscious of my sound in relation to everyone else's. I suppose the fact that I learned something in the process of screwing up is not so much a curse....  

Bow, Bow, Bow Your Note...

Bow, Bow, Bow Your Note

Bowings for string players are like spices in a recipe...Different combinations contribute to a balanced sound, create varied flavors and control the way a piece of music is presented.
A "bowing" refers to not only the direction in which the bow is traveling, but the kind of articulation being created. The bow is largely responsible for how the sound comes out of an instrument. One can pluck the strings and get notes, but bowing them offers a myriad of effects not possible with the bare fingers.
Bowings also create much hubbub in a string section of the orchestra.........
Many opinions arise when your conductor asks for a particular sound, as there doesn't seem to be a clear concensus as to exactly what techniques work best in any given situation. It's like asking three different people for directions...You will likely get three different answers, all of which are valid in some way.
You would think that with a couple hundred years of historical technical refining at our disposal, we could agree on something so simple as whether to go downbow or upbow.
Definition: Downbow is right, Upbow is left. And on a cello, down the fingerboard is up in pitch, and up the fingerboard is down in pitch. Are we all on the same page?
All I know is, crappy bow technique is responsible for probably 90% of the difficulties experienced in learning a piece of music. So many of us fret (oh, if only we HAD frets) over complex finger patterns and don't stop to consider the trouble that the bow is making. Convincing your two hands, which are doing completely different things silmultaneously to work together takes focus, and most of us focus solely on the left hand. When that happens, the right hand has a free-for-all. Jumping all over the place with no sense of direction or purpose. CONTROL, PEOPLE!
One simple philosophy has begun to help me gain control over my sound like nobody's business (so why am I telling you?)...Keep the hair in contact with the strings as much as humanly possible. With a very few exceptions, there is no reason to lift the bow above the strings at all. The very notion that our right hand must hold the bow up is nonsense, but it is so commonly ingrained in our playing as a natural thing. That tension is what makes controlling most any bow stroke difficult, and by association, creates problems for the left. Let the strings hold up the bow, and reserve the muscles in your hand for guiding it.
Start every note from the string, not from the air. How many times have we been told this by conductors, only to ignore the advice with the very next phrase?
Our brass players occasionally make bowing jokes (the bass trombonist said he didn't get the bow changes in the second movement, so he wasn't sure which way to slide), and I'm sure they get tired of sitting idle while the strings haggle over the issue every rehearsal. I guess we never will settle it once and for all, but at least we can practice a little more individual control. Every bit helps!

I was parked in my car getting ready for my lineup of students at the music store when this cold front began to push into town. I sat there for some time watching the low clouds overhead, grateful to have remembered my coat. As the clouds tumbled and spun in ominous silence, so low that you felt as though you could reach up and touch them, moving so fast that they made you almost dizzy, I knew we were in for something unpleasant.
Well, after two solid months of beautiful weather, we have finally had our first taste of winter. For those of you who live in places that get snow measured in feet, four inches is not a big deal. For denizens of the desert, we behave as though the apocalypse were upon us. Schools close, 24-hour weather reports fill the airwaves (if the broadcast towers are still functioning), and we wander around our houses aimlessly, wondering what to do for the next.....god, HOW LONG IS THIS GOING TO LAST???
Snow is very outside our comfort zone here. Nobody seems to know how to drive in it (or in the rain, for that matter), or if the grocery store down the road will have run out of soup. There is a vague sense of panic that pervades each newscast, probably because the junior reporters don't really want to get stuck doing the out-in-it  location shoot.
I used to love the snow, until I had a delivery job which put me smack in the middle of the mountains. Trying to make express deliveries on iced-over, steep canyon roads, with 20-foot ravines to one side and big rocks and downed trees on the other was not my idea of a picturesque drive. I have no idea how to install tire chains, and a rear-wheel drive truck doesn't do so well in this kind of weather.
My other half, the long distance trucker born and raised in the Northland knows how to install tire chains. He ponders others' lack of preparedness (if there is a chance of snow, why are you driving around wearing flip-flops and shorts?). He is so prepared for winter driving that he names his tire chains. There's his Diggers-good for going over a snowpacked, icy mountain pass, and there's his "All-Dayers"-Swedish made, ridiculously expensive but can be run on dry ground if necessary. His motto: "Over-prepared is better than upside-down."
He even knows how to keep busy on a snowbound day like today, as though it were no different from any other day...Right now, he is upstairs working on some wood trim for the Big Project, and nagging me to get something done. But WHAT??

I know this is going to sound like heresy, but I'm not all that fond of Mozart. I can enjoy the technical challenges of PLAYING Mozart, but listening to his music doesn't really do anything for me. If I sound like an ignorant John Q. Public, so be it. I just find most of his stuff boring, and it seems that a large majority of our local concertgoing folks do, too. Years ago our orchestra did an all-Mozart program with a superb conductor, and we had perhaps the smallest audience numbers ever. My other orchestra had tried doing a chamber orchestra concert every season, but I suspect that "too much Mozart" was responsible for the demise of the project.
Don't get me wrong....He was undoubtedly a genius, and contributed immeasurably to musical composition as a whole. My ears are simply spoiled by the thicker, richer instrumentation of later composers, and on the other side the pure, clean mastery of Bach. I guess I find his music too fluffy. Outside of the Requiem, most everything seems capricious and insincere.
Maybe it has to do with the lack of really good bowing technique in our area string players. Maybe I just haven't heard Mozart as he should sound....Our sloppy bowing (among other ills) was called on the carpet last night at a rehearsal, resulting in a two-hour violin sectional with audience (the rest of us). It was, to say the least, embarrassing to have our fine, new conductor run the violins through their paces like they should have already done in their own practice rooms. I am glad he took the time though, and hope they learned something.
At any rate, I keep my fingers crossed that we won't be doing any Mozart symphonies in the next couple of seasons (I am sure our conductor would agree that we aren't ready anyway). This weekend, it's Mendelssohn and Piazzolla....Woo-hoo!     

Can anyone tell me what it is about going shopping that turns ordinarily sensible people into selfish, ignorant boneheads?
It seems that nearly every time I go to our neighborhood wally-world I run into packs of mindless, self-absorbed brick walls. You know the type....They sit in their car in an aisle of the parking lot blocking traffic for half an hour while they wait for someone to load groceries into a parked vehicle, get into the vehicle and finally pull out, all to secure the closest possible parking space (even though there was an empty one just four spaces up, and it isn't even raining).
They stand in the middle of an aisle INSIDE the store with their shopping cart positioned to obstruct anyone else's progress, while looking dazed and confused about why they are even there.
They bump into a neighbor whom they haven't seen in, oh.....Two days, and BOTH park their carts in the middle of the aisle intersection in order to catch up on important news.
And guys are SO prone to this.....Pulling their cart while walking alongside it instead of pushing it from behind, thereby making passing them impossible.  
Is there some universal, unwritten rule nobody told me about that says politeness and common sense must be left at home when you pull into a big parking lot?  "Me-First" is the attitude which gave birth to traffic lights, stripes on the asphalt and driver's ed....Do we need to institute a shopping center ordinance? Come on, people!
Interestingly, I mostly see this annoying behavior at big box stores. My small town grocery store doesn't seem to encourage undue socializing and space-hogging, and you will never see a run on the store on Black Friday. Is it the size of the property that immobilizes people's common sense? Maybe the sheer volume of merchandise acts like a tazer on their social skills. Overwhelmed by visual stimuli..... That must be it.  
I must now galvanize my will to proceed with my own Thanksgiving shopping. I think the battle plan will be to shop at midnight, on my way home from this weeks' symphony rehearsals. I will be zonked when I finally get home, but it beats putting up with idiots. Despite the many negative things for which which wally-world is responsible, at least they are open 24 hours and cheaper than a convenience store.

   I was recently reading a webpage by a young pianist who, being uncomfortable with traditional musical concepts literally interprets music as colors (or color as music?), and have heard of people seeing colored auras around others like a thermal imaging scan. My own relationship with color is not that hypersensory, but color is important to me.
   I have, over many years now spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars on uniquely colored gems and minerals in the pursuit of a creative muse...something that would inspire a "Lapidary Journal-worthy" piece of jewelry. Something that would push me to refine my metalworking skills beyond just throwing stuff together because I had a show coming up. Through those long years of struggling, nothing was falling into place.
                      Until recently.........
   Due to the unfortunately high upswing in the price of silver a couple of years back, I began toying with the idea of working in copper. It took quite awhile for the cogs to get moving enough to do more than just fiddle around, but when my first few cuff bracelets sold right away at the first craft show where I dared display them I knew I had to try more.
   Charles Lewton-Brain's concept of fold-forming got me hooked on the sculptural possibilities with this butter-soft metal, and in the process of repeated heating, the lovely, warm colors produced by the torch began to light a fire in my mind.
   The more I experimented with varying length of time and temperature for heating pieces of copper, the more colors I was able to produce. Suddenly, the idea of having a gemstone in the middle of a pendant no longer seemed important. The metal itself glows with passionate purples and oranges, unlike the cold, glittering surface of silver.
   The realization that I would not need to spend time at the polishing wheels, or dealing with chemical pickles pushed me toward the idea of scaling back my silver production work in order to focus almost exclusively on copper. For the time being, at least...
   With this newfound muse also comes the need to seriously work on my cold-connections skills. The patinas I am achieving so far are quite a bit unpredictable, so when I end up with one I want to keep, I can't re-heat the piece in order to attach findings or solder multiple components without risking changing the color. Wow....This means that I have to plan ahead while I work. Can I DO that? I guess I will find out. Could be a new chapter in my efforts to reverse entropy.
   I feel new energy and contentment with my work now, whereas before I felt stuck. Innovation often arises from desperation....Here's to keeping your eyes on the horizon!